Thursday, April 23, 2015

a bond like glue. super glue

Every mother expects to have that instant bond with their baby after theyre born.
Almost every mother Ive talked to said the moment they held their baby it kicked in.
I blamed the drugs, the lack of sleep, the inexperience with babies.
Truth is, I didnt feel that instant bond. I felt terrible and kept waiting for it to happen.
Of course I never told anyone because who admits to that? Am I so heartless?
Could it have been the epidural and that my body didnt naturally produce the chemical that causes that bond?
I knew I loved my son. I knew from when I was pregnant that I loved him. So why didnt that instant connection happen?
I kept wondering if it was never going to happen.
Which only worsened my ppd.
And maybe that was it? The hormones that were all over the place. So many nights I cried while holding him, or changing him...
I will never forget the first time he fell off the couch, I think he was 6 weeks and i set him down and turned to fix the blanket and he fell. My heart sunk. I had that ugly cry with the hiccups. My husband ended up googling stories of other moms who it had also happened to. I couldnt get over it though, I just felt like a terrible mother.
I know it was an accident. Im not a terrible mother i know I love my son, I know my son loves me.

As time went on we created our bond. Weve recreated our bond time and time. Its like falling in love with your significant other.
Ive learned to trust my motherly instinct. Hes learning to be more of a mommas boy. Hes being more affectionate. He trusts me. I trust him. I now understand what that bond is. Maybe I didnt have it right away. I have it now which is more than some moms.
Maybe our bond is even stronger, hes made me realize so much in the last year and a half. It feels like hes been a part of my whole life.
I really dont recall much from life before him, it wasnt bad, it just, was (wake up go to work, come home, watch tv, go out once in a while) .. Maybe thats why I always wanted new pets, I wanted a bond with something that loved me unconditionally.
I remember being really young and in the shower wanting to bathe with my cat. I know its weird and probably when my cat lady ways started, but it was more to care for something.
Today after I cut charlies hair we both needed a shower, so we both hopped in and took a bath together splashing and playing with the toys.
Certain moments solidify your connection, that was definitely one for me.
I love my son, I love his hugs, his messes, his laugh, his smile, his walk, his kisses, his slober. Hes taught me to be okay with my insecurities, to love myself, who my real friends are, that its okay to cry and be vulnerable. That its okay to rely on someone else.
Just because something didnt click right away doesnt mean it wont happen. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
Nobody starts out perfect.

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